Drinker's Alphabet
A - Alcohol:
The key to surviving college
B - Beer:
It's whats for dinner
C - Class:
What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D - Dancing:
A favourite pastime of almost every drunk usually looks pathetic
E - Emergency:
The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F - Fucked
Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G - Games:
Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
H - Hang-over:
Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I - Imbibe:
Eh, just another word for DRINK!
J - Jail:
Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K - Kissing:
What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L - Lord:
Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M - Money:
That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N - Not
Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O - Oh
shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs
P - Pee:
What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q - Quilt:
What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
R - Reform:
What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S - Sex:
What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T - Twenty-four:
The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U - Underage:
Most of the drinking population in college town
V - Vodka:
The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jelly
W - Worm:
The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
X - X-Ray:
How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
Y - Yourself:
The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z - Zima:
Zomething Different
10
Drinking Symptoms
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give
taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you
another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give
taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong
part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:
Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of
house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT:
Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:
You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are
being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered
with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass
is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim,
mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
50
Reasons Why Beer is Better Than a Man
- A beer makes life easier.
- A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat
up.
- A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
- A beer is kinky only when you want
it to be.
- A beer won't expect you to cook dinner
when you're not hungry.
- A beer will never leave dirty socks
on the floor.
- A beer will never expect you to sit
in the wet spot IT makes.
- A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
- A beer doesn't mind when your mother
visits.
- A beer won't leave you for a younger
woman.
- Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
- A beer won't tease you because you
once liked Barry Manilow.
- A beer will never smell like a man.
- A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you
in on a sports car.
- If a beer did have a sports car,
it wouldn't love it more than you.
- A beer doesn't want to go out alone
with the other beers.
- A beer doesn't sulk.
- A beer wouldn't waste its money on
Playbeer magazine.
- A beer won't switch the TV channel.
- A beer doesn't have to sleep with
the windows open.
- A beer doesn't snore.
- A beer can't interrupt.
- A beer doesn't care that you can't
find your car's carburator.
- A beer doesn't think black leather
bikinis are neat.
- A beer doesn't belch.
- A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose
dry in the bathroom.
- A beer doesn't care that you don't
balance your checkbook.
- A good beer is easy to find.
- Tall, dark, good-looking beers are
common.
- A beer can't pout.
- A beer doesn't have a mother.
- A beer doesn't have friends who will
drink your beer.
- A beer wouldn't yell if you dented
the car.
- A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy
another beer.
- A beer won't even mind if you have
another six pack.
- A beer doesn't buy everything labelled
"turbo".
- A beer won't care if you gain five
pounds.
- A beer will be there for anytime
of the month.
- A beer doesn't want children.
- A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
- A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
- If the beer is finished before you
are, you can have another beer.
- A beer can't talk about the women
who had it before you.
- Hangovers go away.
- A beer tastes good.
- Having a beer doesn't make you want
to take a shower.
- A beer is never late.
- A beer will never invite friends
home for dinner without calling.
- A beer's life does not revolve around
the AFL grand final.
- A beer won't think less of you if
you can't name the Eagles forward.
20
Signs You Are Too Drunk
- You lose arguments with inanimate
objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to
keep from falling off the earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood
in your alcohol stream.
- Career won't progress beyond Senator
from Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting
hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a
case - coincidence?? - I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth... -
now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye
closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved
while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor.
- Your twin sons are named Jim and
Jack.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking
you
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my
name is... uh..."
- Your idea of cutting back is less
salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your
underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you
come in...
- You think the Four Basic Food Groups
are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].